Author: Amy McDonnell
A lot of things about sex baffle me. Why are men allowed to talk about it but women aren’t? Why isn’t it an acceptable conversation to bring up at work? And why are parents so afraid to tell their kids the truth about it?
The most confusing thing for me though? Why is no one talking about the embarrassing shit?! No wonder teenagers freak out when something happens that they haven’t seen in porn. Sex isn’t meant to be scripted or perfect. It’s raw, messy, funny and amazing.
Here are some of the awkward things that 100% happen during sex that no one is talking about, so you don’t feel weird (mainly from the perspective of a heterosexual female, soz.)
Obviously this is only during sex that involves a vagina. It happens, it’s funny and with all that in and out business, air is bound to get trapped, so this is nothing to be ashamed of.
If this happens to your partner, do. not. laugh. Unless they are, but under no circumstance are you to initiate the giggles. Many women feel mortified when this happens and the last thing they want is their partner to laugh at their ‘humiliation’.
A way to prevent queefing (not that you should have to) is to put your finger in your vagina when switching positions. This helps the air move out more subtly.
2. Body Farts
With all that grinding and writhing around, sometimes your bodies get stuck together and let out an all mighty body fart. This has happened to me more times than I care to admit, but if you’re with someone you trust, you’ll have no problems just laughing it off.
Let’s be honest, it just means your having really hot and sweaty sex. Good for you!
3. Period Blood
Raise your hands if you’ve accidentally bled on someone else during period sex 🙋🏻♀️. Yes, it’s not that sexy and it can be pretty awkward, but it happens. Just chuck a condom on and a towel on the bed and you should have a quick and easy cleanup.
4. Accidentally Going in the Wrong Hole
No, no, no, NO NOT THAT ONE! That’s pretty much how it goes every single time. It’s slippy down there and men aren’t the best with directions – no matter how much they think they are!
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5. Cum Going Everywhere
If someone could tell me the appropriate way to prepare for ejaculation, that would be great. Do I need to have a towel always to hand? Perhaps a box of tissues? Whatever it is, can someone let me know ASAP. Thanks.
6. Cum Leaking For Hours
No one warned me about this. I don’t know why I thought my vagina was in a zero gravity zone, but the first time cum leaked from me half an hour after all the fun was over, I was seriously concerned. I know a man that thought something was wrong with him when he saw this happen to his girlfriend. I think we all need to send a memo round to prevent men and women alike from being shocked in the future. A PSA if you will.
7. Manoeuvring Off After He Has Cum
Never has anyone done this the same way twice. No one seems to know the proper etiquette and seeing as guys are often disgusted by their own cum, it’s not a simple matter of jumping off and finding a tissue somewhere. It requires skill learned over hundreds of test runs. That, or you start keeping tissues within arm’s reach. Whichever one is easier.
Everyone knows girls can ejaculate too right? Wait, that’s right, they don’t. Not every single woman squirts and not every woman does it every time. Let’s all stop being shocked that something other than babies come out of the vagina and start acting like grown-ups, okay?
9. Condoms Get Stuck Inside Vaginas
And sometimes your partner has to roll their sleeves up to retrieve it. Anyway…