Author: Cara Davis
You’ve searched the interweb, downloaded every free dating app available, and created a dating profile which has just the right amount of photos of you and your dog to get all those sweet swipe matches. Yet despite all this, no matter how many people you message, they just never reply. Your inbox is as empty as Callum Best’s ball sack and whilst your friends are sharing grainy photos of the foetus their genitals created on Instagram; your Friday nights consist of repetitive wanks over last years copy of Ideal Home magazine. Want to get your inbox popping with reply after reply from the worldies in your matches? Then here are the top 5 reasons they don’t reply to your first message and what you can do about it:
Ctrl + V
I get it, you haven’t had a reply since Justin Bieber was still peeing in mop buckets and dating is a numbers games (hello algorithms) but that’s no excuse to get sloppy and begin that copy and paste game. Sure, you can send 100 messages to your top matches telling them how beautiful their eyes are but when 50 of those people have photos filled with them covering their faces with sunglasses, you’re going to look a bit of a tit. You can keep that opening message generic, maybe ask about their weekend but do you honestly give a shit? I barely care what my own friends are doing on the weekend. And how often do people actually say what they’re doing on the weekend? I will drinking alone on Friday, followed by some eating Nutella from the jar sans friends on Saturday, and finally a bit of wishing for death at my friend’s 3rd child’s 1st birthday party on Sunday, you?
If you want a reply, be original, read their profile and for the love of god, don’t mention the weekend.
Hello? Hey? Hi?
So you have viewed their profile, generated a 100 word synopsis of their interests and correlated it with stories of times when you’ve shared similar experiences. Like, you should be soul mates. You send it off and then no reply. You wait 2 hours, you have seen they’re online, and yet no reply. Maybe another quick message might bump you up that inbox. Hmm, still nothing, maybe this app isn’t working anymore?
“HELLO ARE YOU GETTING THESE MESSAGES?”
Maybe you’ve ended up in some secret junk folder. That’s it, no reply because you’re in the junk. Maybe you should just send one more message to be sure? Nope, no reply.
Slow down Keen Bean. Sure, it is great that you have spent time reading their profile and share similar likes, but stick to just one or two factoids before it seems like you’re chasing them round the supermarkets shouting, “we like the same brand of tea, marry me!” You don’t have to be too cool for school – a little humility and self awareness never hurt anyone – but desperation ain’t the one.
Warning: Profile Contains Adult Content
Not everyone is looking for the ‘one’ on dating apps. Sometimes the one right now who will scratch this seven month dry itch will do the trick. There is nothing wrong with seeking something a bit casual and some apps are notorious for this. But even people looking for a Friday dry hump don’t want to be treated like a genital deliveroo.
There is an assumption that starting a message drooling over a person’s profile picture is going to be flattering. You’re wrong. If someone tickles your pickle, and you’re looking to get a sticky wicket, then be a bit original and try not to just shout “TITS” across the internet like you have a nervous twitch. Romance them a little, have a little personality and stop sharing pictures of your snail trail in your bathroom selfie. All it makes us think of the level of flossing we’ll have to do on Sunday morning.
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Press the Snooze Button
Imagine you’ve seen the person of your dreams across the room. You pluck up the courage to approach them, smoothing down your hair and tidying yourself up. You stand next to them at the bar, a frog in your throat, the electricity searing through your body. Gently, you tap them on the shoulder. They spin round, hair glowing like an angel in front of you. You gulp.
Cyrano de Bergerac you are not. What response would you expect from them then? A smile? A nod? An awkward, “Please stop touching me stranger” before they return to their friends, their drink, anything but talking to a person who has nothing to say. Sometimes being original is a ball ache, but if you’re looking for a reply then you need to have something to offer that person to distract them from whatever they are doing that moment, watching Netflix, eating breakfast, having a shit. Find something to say!
They Just Aren’t That Into You
So you followed all the advice, you are original and witty and humble and your message doesn’t take up 5 sides of A4 paper and a pigeon carrier to deliver it. And yet, still no reply. They matched with you and yet they just can’t be bothered to say Hi. But maybe, they just aren’t that into you. Dating apps are fast paced, we swipe within seconds, sometimes our friends swipe for us when we are all in the bar and they are ‘playing single’. Occasionally they might just change their minds. They are allowed to do that. Best advice, unmatch them and move on.
Not every match will be the right one. Not every person will leave a reply. But avoid these first message faux pas and you’ll be taking a step in the right direction to a dating utopia where people aren’t dicks. You’re welcome.